I have never considered myself much of a gardener. My expertise goes as far as: plants need water, plants need sunlight, and the occasional fertilizer might speed up the process. That’s all you need to know, right?
Well, I would venture to say most botanists would likely disagree with my gardening philosophy. The truth is, each plant requires a different amount of each. If you’ve ever taken care of a succulent, you know that the process is essentially a back-to-back series of treating it like a fake plant and then suddenly remembering that it needs water every month or so. Built to survive in heat-intensive environments, the caretaking of an indoor succulent is going to be much more relaxed compared to that of a potted hydrangea.
The same mindset applies to everyday communication. Some relationships, such as with neighbors or extremely extended family members, are your succulents. They require significantly less of your attention to thrive. Maintaining a “pick-up where you left off” approach, your communication style with the succulents in your garden wouldn’t work the same way in your office life, just as it wouldn’t in your family life.
Similarly, even the best corporate banter material just doesn’t seem to cut it at the dinner table. Mindfulness surrounding the communication style brought into the home is essential to cultivating strong familial bonds. Follow along to learn how to harness the three levels of communication with your family.
Power in Listening
Next to the ancient art of Hacky Sack, one of the hardest skills to master is true listening. This ability is often characterized by head nodding and providing applicable advice, but the tactic runs much deeper than simply responding. Take a look at Listening-Based Communication:
Level 1: Listening to Speak
Paying just enough attention to the speaker to prepare your own response, Listening to Speak leaves just enough room for each side of a discussion to say what is on their mind.
The Focus: What am I going to say next? When is it appropriate for me to cut in and give my feedback?
🗣 Example: Your child is telling you about their day at school, but instead of fully taking in what they’re saying, you’re mentally preparing your response—maybe a quick lesson or a solution to a problem they haven’t even asked you to solve.
Why It’s Limiting: Conversations feel transactional, not meaningful. The child may feel unheard or rushed.
Level 2: Listening to Hear
This level consists of hearing the words that the speaker is saying in full, without engaging deeper or allowing yourself space for a full response.
The Focus: Actively engaging with sound to recall information back to the original communicator. What clarifying questions can I ask? What is something important they expressed?
👂 Example: Your child shares that they had a tough day because their friend didn’t sit with them at lunch. You acknowledge their words and maybe even repeat them back—“So, your friend sat with someone else today?”—but you don’t explore how it made them feel or what it means to them.
Why It’s Better: Shows engagement and comprehension. The child knows you heard them.
Where It Falls Short: It stops at facts, missing deeper emotions.
Level 3: Listening to Understand
The most personal and raw of the three levels, Level 3 encourages the listener to fully engage with the speaker’s message, seeking to understand their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives.
The Focus: Even if I can’t relate to what is being discussed, how would this feel if I were in this situation? Is my phone off and TV turned down to relay how invested I am into the conversation? What challenging questions can I pose to further the discourse?
💡 Example: Your child comes home upset about a test they bombed. Instead of jumping in with study strategies (Level 1) or simply repeating their concerns (Level 2), you pause and try to feel what they feel. You might say: “That sounds really frustrating. Were you feeling confident before the test, or was this a surprise?”
Why It’s Transformative: Builds deep trust and connection. Encourages emotional expression and problem-solving from the child.
As we break down the levels of communication in the context of any interaction, it becomes easier to see how gestures and responses play a huge role in active listening. Of course, head nodding is always an effective tactic, but going so far as to ask follow-up questions or relate to something you have experienced in your life bridges the gap between passive listening and honest digestion.
So how does this relate to professional fathers?
While the typical 9-5 will inevitably include smalltalk and catch-up chatter between work friends, the majority of conversations in the office have a set end goal in mind. From team meetings that go over tasks for the week to a one-on-one client presentation aiming to solidify an account, office-setting communication orbits around end goals.
And that’s okay. In fact, it’s actually desired by companies and might even result in a promotion if you’re effective at achieving those end goals, but it leaves communication hovering around Level 1 throughout the day. “Listening to speak” at work by hearing an individual’s thoughts and being prepared enough to respond is the ideal employee handbook. However, this concept doesn’t translate the same way in the home.
Fathers + Communication
When utilizing solely Level 1 listening at home, a child’s interaction with their dad can feel a bit like a Best Buy help desk. You have a problem, and here are the solutions to fixing it!
This is an ultra-efficient trait in the workplace as it gets right to the point and gives a fix to an issue; however, what provides efficiency through directness in the workplace usually does not translate to properly supporting your child at home.
Switching from solutions-based to emotion-based communication after absolutely crushing it all day with the former can be jarring and uncomfortable at times. But the truth is, Level 1 just simply doesn’t go the same distance at home as it does at work.
So what does?
While each person is different, fathers generally have problem-solving skills intertwined in their DNA and tend to use it as a default communication style, which in turn makes its way into at-home talk. Oftentimes, children are excited to see their working parent after not having a chance to chat with them all day. Even though they might start casually discussing a situation that seems like it is in desperate need of some guidance (i.e. their sibling won’t share the iPad during tech time, a test is approaching that they are worried about), jumping right into solutions can be counter-productive.
Use Level 3. Ask follow-up questions, and don’t shy away from discussing emotions. This can feel unnatural after spending so much time in a setting that requires you to be “socially on” for 8 hours at a time, but this exercise builds trust, understanding, and value between parent and child.
Wrapping Up
Effective communication isn’t a one-size-fits-all, and it might not stay the same even when you do find a tactic that works. Try out a couple different approaches and don’t be discouraged when it’s time to switch it up. The more you lead by displaying intentional communication, the more your kids will feel comfortable to do the same.
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